If Dogs Could Name Their Humans

We can give our canines boring and predictable names like Spot and Buddy. Or sometimes we take inspiration from pop culture and name them after TV characters and pop stars. Some people get really creative and name their furry friends things like Theophilis Thistle and Peanut Wigglebutt. But who's to say our pets don't have names for us, too?

Here are the 5 names our dogs would call us, if they could:

1. "Bringer of Food, Holder of Leash"

Image Source: Community Table

To them, you're the person that delivers food to them in a small bowl... therefore, you are the best human in all of existence. Every other two-legger pales in comparison.

2."Visiting Affection-Givers"

Image source: Jordan Kranda

"Yeees. Come to us, friendly neighborhood bipedals. Give us the scratches we crave. Throw the toys we want thrown!" These humans are only ever around for an evening at most, and their hands often taste of stale beer – a dog's favorite.

3. "Captain Gives-Me-Treats!" AKA - the Ex You're Still Friends With

Image source: Dating for Today's Man

Your dog has sneaking suspicions about this human. She still remembers when mouth-open tongue licks were permitted and she watched very closely each time to make sure you weren't in danger. Now that you're friends again, Captain Gives-Me-Treats has returned...with even more treats! But your pet will never fully trust him again.

4. "Grabby Monster"

Image source: Dogsense UK

The dog thinks of a child as a miniature two-legger. Improbably sticky, and with an utter lack of self-control or coordination, this tiny, tot must be protected and cared for. Dogs must swallow their pride and allow this bizarrely sticky baby human to pull their ears, ride their back, and grab their face.

5. "Ms. Tasty Underpants" – AKA Yoga Instructor

Image source: Thought Catalog

To a dog, there's no finer delicacy than post-exercise underpants that have been marinating in the hamper all week.

Now that you have an idea about what your dog would name you, maybe it's time to stop calling them Puppy Wuppy.